An Open Letter to my Mother

Dear Mom, This letter isn’t easy to write, but I need to speak plainly and honestly—because for too long, I’ve been expected to stay silent for the sake of appearances, tradition, or “peace.” I can no longer do that. Real peace cannot exist where truth is denied. Dad’s passing has brought enormous grief. But what has hurt me almost as much is being completely excluded from any part of honoring him. You didn’t just plan the funeral alone—you invited my brother and his wife to take part in that process. You made space for them while intentionally excluding me. That wasn’t about timing or practicality. I live 30 minutes away. That was about sending a message. And that message echoes something I had prayed we had moved past. For years, there was a pattern you established in my childhood and tried to continue with my daughters: secrecy, spiritual judgment, emotional control, and distorted storytelling about who I am. You’ve questioned my faith, my worth and value as a woman, my choices, my identity and abilities as a mother. You’ve spiritualized my mental health struggles, calling them demonic, and used my medication as a weapon to undermine my credibility and character to my children. But here’s what hurts the most: I truly believed you had changed. I believed that time, grace, and faith had brought you into a place of healing and reconciliation. I had no idea that for all these years, you were still doing the very things you once promised to stop. I didn’t discover the full extent of it until Dad died—until I was shut out and erased, and the curtain was pulled back. When I was at my lowest—sick, alone, and trying to recover from an abusive relationship—you betrayed both me and Stephanie in a way I can barely fathom. You went behind my back and colluded with her abuser to send her BACK, without telling me or giving me any say. You then lied to both of us for years, telling me that Stephanie chose to leave and telling her that I threw her out. That decision not only shattered my relationship with my daughter, it left her alone with someone who hurt her, and it has haunted us both for over fifteen years. You didn’t just interfere—you rewrote history and robbed us of each other. And you still don’t seem sorry. That betrayal has shaped every grief I’ve carried since. Do you not understand that everything that happened to Stephanie from 12 years on is at LEAST partially your fault? While you may not have been the hand that struck her, you might as well be. I sacrificed 7 years of my life in an abusive relationship just to keep her safe. You made that sacrifice meaningless when you sent her back. That realization has been devastating. What you’ve done wasn’t just painful—it was a betrayal of trust. I extended grace. You used that grace to continue the harm in secret. It didn't stop there. Once you saw the harm you created between Stephanie and I, once your job there was done and you SAW the consequences, it seemed like such a great idea you started on Emma and then Chloe. And now, everything I tried to build with you feels tainted by dishonesty. There is a whole other part of me that is devastated for you. How sad that you don't realize the heart of the Bible is not control, shame, or fear—but love, justice, humility, and freedom. Or that using Scripture to instill fear, guilt, or submission—especially in adult children—is a profound distortion. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for doing just that cherry-picking verses to enforce power hierarchies or silence dissent is not biblical literacy—it’s manipulation. Honor is not obedience in the face of abuse. Honor is about mutual care, truthfulness, and reverence for God’s image in each person—including yourself. You claim scriptural authority while avoiding accountability for your actions You have read the Bible so many times, but you have missed it. Scripture is not a tool of coercion. It is meant to set people free—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. I will protect myself and fiercely protect my children from further harm, including creating distance—emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. That is not a threat. That is the natural outcome of persistent betrayal and unresolved harm. I no longer have any trust in you. I am not obligated to reconcile with someone who has harmed me repeatedly and used my trust to continue doing so. Forgiveness does not erase memory, and love does not mean tolerating ongoing harm. God calls me to forgive, yes but never at the expense of truth or justice. I’ve done the hard, sacred work of healing. I am still doing it. And I refuse to return to silence to make anyone more comfortable. What happens next depends entirely on your willingness to face the truth—with no more excuses, no more stories, no more half-measures. I don't have much hope for you and I would rather you just not respond than listen to more excuses. I will not engage with denials, spiritual rationalizations, or shallow apologies meant to smooth things over. I am no longer participating in cycles that protect image over integrity. If your response reflects those patterns, I will consider the matter closed between us. —Jennifer

A Daughter’s Truth Amid Loss and Exclusion

I have struggled with the ethics and the timing of both this letter and the decision it contains.  It has been hard to write for a number of reasons.  Who would ever want this? Unfortunately, all of this has been dumped into my lap now.  Unfortunately, all of this has come to light at the worst possible time ever for the whole family.  Even though my heart has so much compassion for the suffering of my other family members, compassion for others should not require self-abandonment.  If you read this, this is not just about my father passing, that would be enough grief for all time. There are multiple layers of grief, and it is overwhelming.  I am going to try to do this with as much dignity and as little disturbance as possible.

I didn’t create this chaos. I inherited it.
I just answered the phone.

Luke 12:2–3 (NIV)

"There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs." 

Mark 4:22 (NIV)

"For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open."