Thursday, August 14, 2008
a metaphor for my life
I really like this picture..... not because I look so fabulous in it, because while I am rocking the glasses and no makeup look, and Im comfortable with that, usually I don't neccessarily want to memorialze it for all time. Its because of how the picture is set up. I am overrun with children!! literally. You have no idea how much squirming, giggling, and wiggling was going on in that picture. You can barely see me, except for my face and even that is being squished from all sides. We even fit grandpa in the picture.
I supose this could be interpreted in that negative way people write about when they talk about a woman "losing herself" during motherhood. Uselessly devoting herself to her family and children in that passe, anachronistic way. Its written about as though it were a waste, something criminal that was stolen or trashed.... I don't really see it that way....
When I look at this picture I see that boistorous, wild kind of love, I see my kids really happy, but more than that I see ME happy, but not in the way I used to experience happy. Okay So that morning we had someone peeing on the bathroom floor, two spilled drinks and three children to bathe and wash, and then two additional changes of clothes because they didn't fit, and im pretty sure someone drew on the wall, and so mommy didn't get to put on contacts or makeup.... BUT WE HAD FUN!! We laughed more at that lunch with our grandma and grandpa, and hey, there was ICECREAM at the end!! I mean, come on, ICECREAM.
And yes, my home is not really decorated to my taste, there are stains on the furniture and carpet, some of the walls get colored on, orginaiztion is out of my grasp, and probably its "cluttered", and its possible walking thru my living room you could be crippled by stepping on one of those tiny legos. I haven't found the time to paint everything. But as a family: me, the husband, and kiddos we kinda dig that wild abandon (until it overwhelms me and the grown up voice inside my head starts fussing at the 10 year old me to clean it up). We fingerpaint wildly and go all jackson pollock, and probably you can see the reamins of it (and one small handprint) on our walls, but we have that giggly memory in our heads forever.
i think I have traded off some parts of my own individuality and my own "needs" to do what I think is the best for our family, BUT, I get something in that trade that is worth way more to me than what I am giving away. There is nothing that would ever feel as good as the hugs and kisses I get. The time for myself that I give up, I am spending with the three little people (and one big person) that I love the most in the whole wide world. I can't think of anything better.